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Something In The Heir/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW I know it's great to be reasonable and rational, discuss things, try to arrive at an acceptable compromise that everybody can live with. But once in a while, when you've had enough, you've gotta take action. You've made your point; they understand your position; and yet nothing changes. And that moves you from the arena of diplomatic conciliation into the area of a taste of your own medicine. [ distorted voice ] [ distorted ] [ distorted ] [ distorted ] [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Yeah, I appreciate that. Well, I'm afraid I got no news for you. That's because our local paper, "the daily movement," is shut down for two weeks. I figure people are gonna miss it. That's a long time to go without a "daily movement." hey, red, there's no paper this week. No, no, the publisher, the editor, the reporter, the photographer, the cartoonist and the typesetter have all gone on vacation. But don't worry. He'll be back in two weeks. Okay, I wish somebody woulda told me that because now no one's gonna see my ad. You don't need to run an ad, winston. I mean, that truck of yours is an excellent marketing tool. And that thing assaults all five senses every time you do a drive-by. Red, it's not an ad for my business; it's -- it's more of a personal ad. See, I'm lookin' for a woman who'd be willing to have my baby. You know, I don't think a local ad is gonna work. I think you need to advertise where the women don't know you. Why this sudden urge to be a father? Red, I'm winston rothschild iii. See, it's taken three generations to build this septic sucking dynasty, and I can't let it end with me. And besides, I promised my dad that I'd make sure this company keeps going as long as the customers keep going. Maybe you should be using science on this. They have this surrogate mother thing now, where they take a sample from you and they implant it into a woman and she delivers a baby nine months later for a fee. You know what? Dalton's daughter might be interested in that. Ah, no thanks, red. I mean, what if the kid inherited my height and dalton's hair? It'd be a troll. No, I'm kinda leanin' towards adoption. You know what? That makes a lot of sense, genetically speaking. 'cause I think there's gotta be a future winston rothschild iv out there somewhere. Actually, I've got an appointment with the adoption agency in about a half an hour, and I was hoping you'd tag along and, you know, sort of vouch for me. Oh, sure. Sure, yeah. So we're looking for a baby who could possibly be in the sewage business? Red, all babies are in the sewage business. [ applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] and today's winner will receive this beautiful monogrammed handkerchief. I already have a monogrammed handkerchief. Yeah, but this'll have your initials on it. Okay, cover your ears, mike. Red, you've got 30 seconds to get mike to say this word... Yeah, all right, dalton. And go! Okay, mike, at night it's dark, so in the day it's... Easier to get caught. Okay, when a room gets dark, it's time to turn on the... Charm. Okay, you see a guy, and suddenly he gets religion, you figure he must've seen the... Electric chair. Let's try this. Which beer do fat people drink? The last one. Yeah. Okay. Time's almost up. Okay, mike, if something's not heavy, it's... Easy to steal. Oh, yeah, especially if you're light fingered. That's it! [ applause ] [ ♪ ] [ loon calls ] I was thinking about regrets the other day. Do you have any regrets, mr. Green? Not so far, but this conversation has potential. What about you, mr. Humphrey? I've got nothing but regrets. How about you, mike? You must have a tonne of regrets. Well, only one... Children. I regret not having any children. Yeah, I feel exactly the same way. Oh, or did you say you regret 'not' having children? You know, bernice and I don't have any kids. We tried for a couple years. Then my brother had harold, and we took that as a warning. Oh, I'd like to have lots of children. Your parents have lots of kids, mike? My mom did. My dad didn't have any kids. I don't think he was my dad. Well, kids are a lotta responsibility, mike. You have a daughter, don't you, dalton? Yes, yes, yes, I do. Yes, I have a daughter. That's why I've been wearing the same clothes for the last 12 years. But kids are so great! They're so innocent; they're so full of hope for the future. You know, if I'd had kids, I don't think I'd ever have been in trouble with the law. How old were you on your first arrest? Eleven. That's a pretty young father. You might wanna think about getting a life partner before you leap right into having a family, you know? There still has to be a woman involved in having kids, doesn't there? You don't just download it off the internet. No, no, kids are great. If you have a son or a daughter, it's kinda like a promise that you're gonna raise 'em properly and you're gonna take care of 'em until they're on their own. (scoffs) they'll never be on their own. Are you prepared for that one, mike? I just wanna have kids. They'll learn to be good people. Well, they learn mainly from your example. Well, that's a dumb system! [ applause ] you know, my dad used to tell me a man's home is his castle. He also told me to learn esperanto and buy an amphibious car. My dad was wrong. The only time a man's home is his castle is when the queen is out at the mall. So today on handyman corner, I'm here to prove that although a man's home is not his castle, his car is his cottage. Okay, as always, when you're doing a major renovation, the first thing you have to do is gut the whole interior. You wanna do this as quickly as possible, because if you take the time to do it properly you'll just get bored and abandon the whole project. That's what happens when guys do things right. Whenever you see a half-painted boat or a partly converted school bus in a guy's backyard, that's the price of being a perfectionist. You wanna keep the seats, though. They make great couches for your castle maybe put 'em in the servants' quarters. Found a fair bit of food and garbage under the seats and what have you, spilled drinks, taco juice, that kind of thing. Oh, man! Look at all the coins. Can't really call it loose change. Okay, once you've got the space all cleared out, you're ready for the most important piece of furniture. It's an old barber's chair. I mean, it's perfect... It swivels, it reclines, the footrest comes up. And let's face it. At our age we're not using it as a barber's chair nearly as often as we used to. [ grunting ] you know, a one-seater car makes a lot of sense to me. It's a little harder to reach the pedals, but you don't need any of those side air bags, eh? And look where you're sitting. You're right in front of the heater control and radio. That's a lot more interesting than watching the road. Let me show you the family room. I've got my microwave back there, tv, mini fridge. And with open access to the trunk, it's very private and there's plenty of leg room. Plus, I have two garbage cans in the unit. I believe they're called windows. Oh, yeah, we're a little shy in the headroom back there. All I do is use this boat hook to get myself a microwave popcorn or the safety beverage that goes with it. No, a man's house is not his castle; but maybe his car is. And with the sun roof and this rope ladder this castle even has a turret. Isn't this a great set-up? I can stand up here in my turret and survey my entire kingdom. I call it a turret, but some people call it widow's walk. I have no idea why. Oh, forgot my coffee. No problem. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ music playing on radio ] [ applause ] ] I wanna take a moment to talk about the parent problem. Now, I don't mean the parenting problem, when your kids come home with blue hair. I'm talking about the parent problem, when your aging mom and dad come home with -- well, with blue hair. You know, it's a fact of life that when senior citizens can't take care of themselves anymore, they often move in with their own middle-aged kids. That can be real tough on some of you late bloomers who just moved outta their house a couple of years ago. But either way, you and your parents have different lifestyles. So the watchword here is patience. You may not understand why anyone needs to be up for the day at 4:00 in the morning. But then you've never eaten supper at 3:00 in the afternoon just to save a buck and a half. Likewise, try not to get upset when they start complaining about your food or the wallpaper in their room or the temperature of the house. It's just their way of telling you they love you, and that you know nothing about anything. Oh, yeah, and there may be some role reversal. Remember how annoyed you used to get when you were a kid and they'd tell you turn down the tv? Well, you're gonna understand how they felt when you start hearing andy rooney at a 120 decibels. The main thing is don't look at this as a crisis; think of it as a learning opportunity. Here's a chance to show your own kids what's gonna happen to them if they don't get smart and start saving for your retirement home in florida right now. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] well, winston and I went down to the adoption agency. We were hoping to find him a child so his family septic business wouldn't go down the drain. Well, it didn't go real well. Hey, red, good news! They wanna see us down at city hall. Yeah, some big announcement or something. There'll be a whole bunch of us who are lookin' to adopt. Well, I don't think you have a chance, winston. Well, that's negative, red. I thought our interview went really well. No, no, no. Good interviews go more than three minutes, winston. We weren't in there long enough to boil an egg. Well, maybe not, but you sure scrambled a few. Well, I couldn't lie to them. Well, no, not lie. Never lie. Embellish, maybe. Put a nice spin on some of the answers perhaps. Winston, you're a 35-year-old bachelor who spends 18 hours a day in your sewage truck. I'd hire a nanny. I told them that. You told them I was the nanny! I can't relate to babies. Oh, sure you can, red. Don't sell yourself short. You've got a lot in common with a baby... Soft head, take a lot of naps. I'm the leader of possum lodge. I've got all the children I can handle. Look, red, just come down with me for the big announcement. There's a whole bunch of us who got turned down, and we just wanna stage a little protest and maybe they'll change their mind. And look, if this doesn't work, I promise it's the end of it. Well, sounds like a waste of time to me. I've been married 35 years. Protests don't work. Look, I'll do the yelling. You just come along for moral support. Come on, what do you say? All right. Red, look, I gotta have this baby. I need an heir. You have an air; what you need is a shower. Red: We decided to have a little basketball shooting competition between mike and walter, and I was putting down the three-point line down at the basketball court in town there. Of course, walter had the full gear on, so mike's trying to adapt his outfit to match -- wow! He's got the tear-away pants. Mike doesn't have -- oh, yes, he does. Those legs are pretty darned white over there. So I was explaining I had done the three-point according to the official rule book of pro basketball. So walter's gonna go first. We're gonna give two points a piece for these. That's a little short. Little short there, walter. Let's see how mike can do. Obviously he doesn't have any friction to hold him back. Okay, very similar type of shot, so that'd be zero-zero so far. So I'm thinking let's make this a little easier. Instead of going with pro basketball, let's go with the college basketball handbook. Got a little closer line. So again walter goes. This should go a lot better. I'm feeling really good about this. Okay, away you go. Shoot her up there. Nope. No better. So now mike tries a different approach, the underhand, girlie approach he learned in prison and you see, he shot it back -- oh! All right, so he took the ariel off the van, and he wrecked the ball. Now walter's figuring he should win by default, because there can be no more competition because we don't have a ball. Mike says, wait a sec. I'll get another ball. Don't you worry. So he sees -- there's some poor little kid playing tether ball, and not bothering anybody. And mike comes in, and this is called barter for those of you who are new to the country. And takes that, and he's gone. So he comes back. Now I'm abandoning the college line. We're going toddlers -- the toddlers three-point line. Oh! Here's mike. Mike's all set. And up and... And it's good! Yeah, two points. All right. So walter, no problem. Let's see how he does. He's gonna show off a little bit. Instead of doing a jump shot, he's gonna do the kareem abdul-jabbar hook job. Perfect! There's two. Well, we're all tied up at two points. Oh, no, we don't need that. Don't need any of that. There's no need for that kind of thing. So mike's got a plan. He goes -- thank you. Thank you very much, mike. What are you gonna do? Oh, it's some kind of a trick shot, I'm thinking. Oh, I know, he's gonna look in the mirror. Oh, yeah. Look in the mirror. Over the shoulder. My gosh. This should be good. This should be good. And... Beautiful! Beautiful. Right through. There's four points. So that's a challenge to -- all right, we don't need that. We don't need that attitude. Now a challenge to walter. So he takes the challenge and runs with it. He takes the rope right off there. And he's gonna use the mirror. No, he's not. Oh, thank you. Thank you, walter. Totally without looking, and she's in! We got a four-point tie. Now we move on to the lay-up section. And -- boy, beautiful. Beautiful. Boy, he's got great -- well, he takes the net with him. It'll be tough for mike to top this one, but he's got a plan. He goes down to the boat house and gets one of the canoe paddles. He's got an old bungee on there, and he ties the tether ball onto the bungee cord. Don't know what he's got in mind there. And he goes down over the back and -- oh, it's a paddle ball! And he's racking 'em up! Oh, my gosh! It's all over, folks. [ applause ] ♪ ] this is the part of the show where we feature those three little words men find so hard to say... Audience: I don't know! And today's letter reads as follows... "dear experts, I pride myself in keeping up "with current trends and fads, no matter how fleeting they might be. "recently I read in the paper about something called "the internet. "what's that?" what's the internet? Boy, that must've been some kind of coma, huh? All right, well, the internet is something that connects to your computer so that you can contact everybody in the world who wants to sell you something. No, that's not necessarily true, uncle red. No, the internet is probably the most important innovation for communication, education, since the movable type. I spend hours on the internet. I didn't even know you had a computer, dalton. Oh, gosh, yes. I just find there is so much fascinating information on the internet. Absolutely, yes. The unfortunate aspect is how much pornography's on there. Well, you know, some people, that's all they use it for. [ laughter ] what are you lookin' at me for? I don't do any of that. Well, at least, not intentionally. Not very often. Look, okay, okay, okay. Ann marie wanted to re-model the kitchen, right? So I did a search for "pantries." but there was as typo. That's not what the internet's for, mr. Dalton. Look, it was an accident, all right? And besides, it's private. Who's gonna know? Well, anybody who has access to the computer. Stored somewhere in your computer is every website you've ever visited. Harold: Every one. Every one? How long have you had a computer, dalton? Um, I-it's ann marie's. I gotta go! You better call rothschild's sewage today, 'cause that soggy mess is here to stay. Whatever goes up comes down, they say. But whatever goes down, doesn't always go away. Okay, I would suggest that if any of you ever go to a protest that you find out what the protest is about before you get there. It was about the right to adopt a child. Yeah, okay, and I was fine with that. I just was a little surprised when I realised that wasn't the main agenda. Well, that oughta keep him outta my tent. You know, we're all just people, red. You know, I thought it was good to show our solidarity. Yeah, I was fine with that. But did you have to put your arm around me, winston? Red, I was upset. It was obvious that they weren't gonna let me adopt. They were discriminating against my entrepreneurial lifestyle. No, they were not. They were protecting an innocent child. They wanted the child to be raised in a loving atmosphere. You love your job. And your atmosphere is toxic. Well, now what am I gonna do with the family business and no child to take it on? I mean, septic sucking is not something you just fall into, red. Well, you know what? If you wanna immortalize yourself, why don't you add your face to the logo of the company? You know, like colonel sanders. You could become the colonel sanders of septic sucking. That's a pretty good idea, red. Every time people saw your face, they'd think of sewage. [ possum squealing ] meeting time. You go ahead. I'll be down in a minute. If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. Let me re-phrase that. I'll be coming straight after the meeting. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and the whole gang at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ applause ] [ general din ] everybody sit down. Sit down. Everybody sit. All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the men's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. These flowers came for you, mr. Green. They're from an admirer. Thanks, doug. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com